This is Why I Blog

Accountability. At the end of the day today, I was overtired and overhungry. I was beyond my capacity to make good choices about food. 

Or so I told myself. 

Until I found myself halfway through the excruciatingly long line at Chipotle, fully ready to stress-eat and abandon my one-day old goal to retrain my brain to have healthier methods to deal with stress. 

It dawned on me that I would have to blog about this later, and I rediscovered a capacity to make decisions. I also observed that my failure to commit to a new way to relieve stress was coming from a place of “no one will know” and “it doesn’t matter”. These are both lies. I think it also comes from a place of “I can’t”. Indeed, the second sentence of this blog is an expression of “I can’t.” 

I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to make the decision to just walk out of Chipotle and eat my healthy meal. Would my stress level stay this high? Would I carry it into the next day and stress-eat even worse? These things have happened before, and it did not feel worth the emotional effort it would have taken to walk away from stress-relief in the form of stress-eating. 

Instead, I made choices. I got brown rice instead of white and OMIGOD DID I WANT WHITE. I didn’t get cheese. And then I ate it mindfully, and was careful not to gorge myself on it until I hit a food coma and could pass out. 

Today wasn’t a total win, but it was a step in the right direction of getting honest with myself so I can change my habits. 

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